Cupcake Terror Alert: CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY BUTTERCREAM: HIGH (and sex and cupcakes)
We are in a situation here. Everyone in this town needs to stop having sex right now and focus on the cupcakes. Okay maybe no one is having sex right now — ohmigawd, that’s it. The sex and cupcake link. Is broken. Which must be why the cupcakes at Miette were confectionary carbohydrate frottage of the most frustrating order. Over the pants rubbing, over the palate with nary a groan or gasp or sigh; above you can see them all waiting out their senselessly dry sentences in the Guantanamo of pastry counters. With little baking paper jumpsuits, and a forlorn tilt to their frosting tops.
I was not blown away by Miette. But I have been urged to try them again, and I will, especially because they are organic. My friend urges me back for more, saying, can you really judge a cupcake maker by eating one cupcake? I ask, can you tell if you want to fuck someone based on the first kiss? Can you judge a lover by the first fuck? But with buttercream for lube, I shoulder on… and will try Miette again, but have also discovered a selection of sluttly little cakes over in Noe Valley at Belgano, baked by local Kookez. Unsexy name from hell, but they’re next on my list.
After the jump, read the hilarious reaction to my last sexified Metblogs cupcake post over on the NY-based Cupcakes Take the Cake, left by an angry, uptight commenter who thinks linking sex and cupcakes is just plain wrong.
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Sent to me by Cupcakes Take the Cake’s co-editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, this post’s great comment, snip:
“hannah said…
oh brother. That was ridiculous to read. I’m quite sick of people who can not express themselves, so they have to use the F word and relate everything to sex and orgasms. Instead of finding a creative way to describe cupcake Joy, this writer (and by extension, the person who posted this here) resorted to something cheap and pathetic. Old trick for covering up lack of talent.
Lackluster. Offensive and NOW, I’m not going to ever come back to this site or pass it along to friends. Because really. I don’t know how the person with that mouth can put a cupcake into it.
Cupcakes are too sweet and too amazing to be mixed with such a tongue.”
To which I respond, OMG MIX IT WITH MY TONGUE!!! I never thought of that, fuuuuuuuckkkkk…..
The commenters hated on me, but Rachel came back with this eloquent response, Sex and Cupcakes. Thank you, Rachel! (Pictured: what I did with Miette’s chocolate raspberry cupcake before I put it in my mouth. Yeah, that mouth.)
I had a cupcake from Miette just last week.
It was terribly unimpressive. I mean, it was all pretty and winking at me with its big brown eyes in the display case, but when I got it alone it was just dry and flavorless. All style, no substance.
I had total cupcake blueballs.
Violet, I’ll keep this short and sweet: I love you. And I cannot wait to eat cupcakes with you when I’m in SF. Hello, photo shoot! I’m recruiting Thomas right now.
Cupcake blueballs! We’re gonna coin a whole new field of erotica here, people. Awesome. We can rank bakeries on a wank-o-meter scale like they do for pornos.
I must say Miette *is* pretty unimpressive. Their cupcakes are the trophywives of the world.
Good cure for cupcake blueballs?
Chocolate cake from Neiman Marcus’ cafe. A slice of hot nubian confectionary goodness, paired with their specialty spiced iced tea…wow. potential pants-damage warning.
Violet - if you ever feel like visiting your bretheren to the east - we got this bakery called Freeport out here.
I advise you pack (shit, I’m not the superstar sex columnist, i can’t come up with something cool) extra kleenex - that place bakes like your mouth and its cupcakes are the last two people on earth the day after the nukes fall . . . .
oooh….Freeport Bakery….don’t even get me started…mmm…..
Jesus! This is such pretentious, boring, vacuous, bollocks. It’s approximately a week now since I signed up and I’ve yet to see anything worthwhile so I guess I’m unlikely to last much longer unless there’s a dramatic turn for the better. Good writing needs effort, curiosity, involvement, edge, testing the boundaries, sensibility, empathy - this is just mindless pabulum. Good writing is hard work - put some real effort into it, make it worthwhile for you and for those reading. Make it interesting, exciting, a proper meal rather than the equivalent of KFC and Starbucks junk food. Please!
You know, I generally feel sorry for people like that. They’re missing out on a whole world of sensory experience and a whole new language of metaphor — and moreover, they’re shooting themselves in the foot by dismissing sexspeak as “cheap.”
And on top of that, they probably have had neither decent food nor decent sex. Otherwise the comparison would be more obvious and less “pathetic.”
Ohmigod, I actually quite miss Miette! I have had one lackluster experience, but I love the gingerbread cupcake and the lavender shortbread cookies. And if in Los Angeles anytime soon, try the cupcakes at Alcove in Los Feliz or Yummy Cupcakes in Burbank . . . .
I have heard that the Miette cupcakes ‘cake’ can be a tad on the crumbly side…I guess I can’t judge them too much since I have not had them yet. What I can judge, or add my two cents, is the reaction to your posting of sex and cupcakes. Anyone who is interested in living life and enjoying the beautiful combination of cake and creamy frosting probably wouldn’t find it all that different from licking delectable whipped cream off their lover’s unspeakables. Don’t these things all stimulate the same chemicals in our brain that evoke the pleasures we feel? To those naysayers I say, let us eat cupcakes and pussies too!