Cupcake Terror Alert: BUTTERCREAM: HIGH

http://sf.metblogs.com/archives/images/2006/08/citizencupcake-thumb.jpg

Seriously. The cupcakes I had at Citizen Cupcake sucked. They were dry, small, unsexy little dismally frosted unerotically unartfully baked carb buckets sentenced to dwell in their glass pastry killing jars on the top floor of Virgin Megastore. Was downtown with my lover the other day looking for cupcakes and being just generally sad about Citizen’s offerings, but try as we could we found no other source for delicious little cakes and our frosting-filthy little minds. So, please foodies — don’t give me that “they bring out the little kid in you” bullshit. Because when done right, a cupcake makes you feel like you’ve never been kissed deep before in your whole life, or fucked in that way that shows you a brand new sweet spot just *there* and makes your head spin and resets your DNA — and that at first bite you want to do both of those things like *right away* and with the cupcake too. Amazing cupcakes make you want to eat them for dinner because you have no impulse control in their presence. Last weekend I went to a party catered by Kara’s Cupcakes and almost passed out from the pleasure of one bite, but bliss on this scale is apparently not available on demand. We have the finest food culture and the most sophisticated sex culture in the world here in San Francisco. What are we if we only have Citizen/Virgin Anaphrodisiac cupcakes and Love at First Bite in — koff, koff — Berkeley!? We only have one cupcake source in this town, people. It’s a *problem*. I can only look at local blog Cupcake Bakeshop so much before I expire in a puff of sprinkles and crack like some forgotten frosting.

It’s official — I’m calling the Cupcake Terror Alert for San Francisco BUTTERCREAM: HIGH. We need a chart.

Image: good drinks, dry hump cupcakes at Citizen Cupcake.

7 Comments so far

  1. Victoria E (unregistered) on August 28th, 2006 @ 5:50 pm

    A good, rich cupcake is better than sex, no doubt about it. My favorite place is miette – have you been there?

    http://www.miettecakes.com/


  2. violet (unregistered) on August 28th, 2006 @ 5:55 pm

    ah — that’s at the Ferry Building! no I haven’t been there yet. I can’t wait to try miette. (too bad their gallery is Flash or I’d link to the gorgeous looking cupcakes I just found in there…) thank you!


  3. Darren Mckeeman (unregistered) on August 28th, 2006 @ 6:10 pm

    I was just about to suggest Miette. The Ferry Building has a lot of my favorite shops, including Cowgirl Creamery — I usually get some cupcakes at Miette and Shropshire Blue at Cowgirl…


  4. Michael Volpatt (unregistered) on August 28th, 2006 @ 8:45 pm

    Kara kicks ass. I have known her since we were kids and she set out to make great cupcakes and made it happen. I love her and I love her tasty treats. Yeah… maybe I am biased, but bite into one of her cupcakes and then tell me I am wrong. I dare ya.


  5. KC (unregistered) on August 29th, 2006 @ 3:16 am

    “They were dry, small, unsexy little dismally frosted unerotically unartfully baked carb buckets sentenced to dwell in their glass pastry killing jars on the top floor of Virgin Megastore.”

    A ringing endorsement if I ever heard one. No. Seriously. I’m still laughing at this line.


  6. Nicolas (unregistered) on August 29th, 2006 @ 3:12 pm

    very funny, although sometimes we need a “dry hump” cupcake to make us appreciate the good ones when we can find them, right?


  7. derek (unregistered) on August 29th, 2006 @ 5:01 pm

    If you’re willing to cross the bridge, Teacake bake shop on Bay Street in Emeryville bakes up just the kind of cupcake you’re looking for!
    -derek-



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