The horror, the horror! Okay, so if you haven’t seen the 1978 porn classic Debbie Does Dallas — which I sincerely believe should have been called “Hair” — you have three options:

1. rent it, watch it, weep openly while reclining in a bathtub filled with Nair
2. alternately: pound finish nails into your gums for 80 minutes
3. go see the local premiere of Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical opening August 18th

Snip: “‘Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical’ was created by Susan L. Schwartz for the New York Fringe Festival in 2001. The story, dialogue and characters are mostly faithful to the original film, performed as tongue-in-cheek spoof; the music features instant classics like ‘I Wanna Do Debbie’ and ‘The Dildo Rag’. After playing to sell-out crowds, it was picked up and had a successful 4-month run Off Broadway in 2002.”

In an email they tell me, “It’s sort of a nostalgic throwback to the days when even porn seemed pretty innocent; the atrocious dialogue is mostly faithful to the original film, with added jokes and camp from 30 years of accumulated homage. The music is catchy, the choreography hot, and we’ve cast talented comediennes instead of porn stars to make it, well, watchable.” More info at Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical – San Francisco.